Counting the Numbers

When I first started training for the pastorate I thought it would be spending time with people every minute, glorious time of prayer with God, and lots of deep spiritual conversations with people until 2 in the morning. I never envisioned the paperwork. I never thought about the numbers I would have to deal with. As a pastor I have to report to my DS (a good man, which I am ever so grateful for) how many conversions, baptisms, church memberships, and sanctification experiences happened in our church. I also need to keep track of monthly finances (though only in the loosest of senses here, we have an awesome treasurer), monthly attendance, how many times I preach, how many visitations I made, and everything else I do.

Everything, from the number of people in bible studies to the amount of money we gave to missions is recorded and tabulated. And that’s just for the district. How the district thinks I am doing as a pastor and what they expect from the church are dependent on those numbers I give them. And then there are all the numbers that count online. I keep track of how many people view the wiki each day, what edits happen, who visits my facebook, who visits my myspace, how many people viewed my video, how our church is doing on goodsearch, and everything else you can imagine. There are more numbers running through my head any given day than I can count. And the fact that I am trying to count only reinforces how much numbers affect my life.

And here’s the thing, by the time I am done counting all of the numbers I need to, the first ones I counted have changed again and can be counted again. I can spend my entire day just keeping track of numbers without actually doing anything. But I’ll be quite busy. And because numbers are one way of knowing how different things are doing I could even justify an entire day spent counting as being necessary. But I wouldn’t actually get anything done, I would only be understanding what has already happened or what is happening. I would not be making a single thing happen.

In a more abstract sense I think a lot of us are in that place with our Christian walk. It’s really easy to learn about it, and we can spend our entire lives learning about what God did in the past, can do in the future, and is doing now, without doing a single thing ourselves. But the stories are so compelling, the numbers so important, surely aren’t we are justified if we don’t actually add to those numbers ourselves, but just marvel at them as they go by? Aren’t we allowed to learn about what God has been doing? Yes, of course, but at some point we have to take a break from learning and actually do. Do something worthy of someone else wanting to count it, and then encourage that person to act as well.

But why are numbers so important to begin with? What is the draw that keeps us watching for God and not acting with God? What is going on where I could spend several hours refreshing different web pages and feel justified in doing so?

I think there are two things that hold me back personally; and perhaps you as well. First, there is a deep but hidden insecurity that is seeking to try and justify my existence. I am constantly finding myself trying to discover if I was successful at something, if something worked, it people care about what I have been working on. And so I try and justify my existence with numbers instead of with my worth as a child of God. The second thing that prompts me to look and not act is that I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail, afraid I don’t know enough, afraid I will miss what God wants me to do. And so I don’t do anything, but try to learn more and more until the fear is gone.

But here is the truth. The fear will always be there. Every time we act it is scary, no matter how much we know. And every time we try to find ourselves in what we do and not in how God sees us we will always be insecure. No amount of training or numbers will fix that. I can have the best numbers in the world, and it won’t change who I am. I can have the most training anyone has ever had and it won’t mean I am unafraid of acting. Faith is when we step out and act anyway. Faith is when we trust that God’s vision of us is the right one and step away from the numbers, away from our fears and insecurities and act.